Whitney.

Low-lit (with candles) and impeccably cool, Pipi Cucu is quite possible the least pretentious fancy restaurant/bar in the whole city, even though it has the best drinks. We're talking infused booze and Malbec Rose as one of the ingredients in a martini. A totally cute female chef whips up stellar French food that is then served by hot tattooed guys. Meaning: eye candy for everyone. If you don't want dinner, get drunk and then order the house dessert. After that, you'll likely thank your lucky stars that you read this and knew to go there.

Once a closed-door bar, Ocho 7 Ocho is open to the public, and frequently packed. Excellent space, a bar you can actually sit at (rare in Baires), and extensive drinks, including many that aren't listed on the menu but are way better and more affordable than the ones on it. January seems to bring a huge sweeping flock of dirty thirties here, but my friends were all, "no it's just this month." It may be the go-to bar for guys to bring the girls who aren't their girlfriends to, judging by the furtive groping recently witnessed.

Konex is a cultural center, but before your eyes glaze over, consider the following: there is a gigantic neon sign and outdoor courtyard, the bar has happy hour, and you're just as likely to find hundreds of people dancing in kiddie pools to DJs in the middle of summer as you are to see a film screening or live hippy drum thing. Don't miss a chance to attend an Acapulco party here, and definitely check it out for other things, too. Extremely impressive, Konex should be an envy of most other cities in the world.

...I mean, besides the poppers that other Commercial Street shop with the flea market vibe. Anyway, most people in town are busy shelling out their money on boring tee-shirts, wellies from Marc Jacobs, or overpriced everything else, but will take a break to wander through the maze that is Marine Specialties. Here, you can literally buy just about anything. A vast collection of knives? They've got it. Gas masks and parachute bags like at the army/navy? They've got that, too. From souviners to an outfit for this week's fetish party, Marine Specialties might be the only place to buy anything on sale in the on-season in all of Provincetown. And unlike 90% of the town, I recall them sticking it out through the winter, which is a great time to buy their itchy wool sweaters.

Around since the 1930s, Ocho Esquinas is probably the most relaxing and affordable restaurant to eat delicious food that features pictures of tango singers on the walls. During the daytime, the crowd is mostly businessmen on their lunch breaks, tucking into plates of perfect homemade pasta while reading the paper. On weekends, when it's open at night, families come for live music. Whenever you opt to go, good luck choosing between one of the epic picadas--a plate of various meats (venison and wild boar are both great) and artisan cheeses--or the entrees. Oh, and unlike anything that looks like it over in Palermo, eating here is actually affordable.

Second location of "hair boutique" popular with everyone from the well-dressed old-money ladies and their kids to a veritable who's who of local semi-famous people. Actually cool instead of veering into gross new-rich stylings territory. Definitely home of the best multi-colored flashing sign in BsAs. Occasional DJs and parties, bar stocked equally well with records and booze. The perpetually busy but never flustered staff will make you look as hot as possible: I have my favorite guy, but I'm not telling who because he's already impossible to get.

*Those Supercuts prices? That's if your command of Spanish is good and you don't look like an out-of-towner. You will get a little bit gouged if you walk in speaking the English, but considering that "gouged" means 40 bucks instead of 17.95 and you still have a better haircut than anyone wherever you came from, I'd say to just deal with it.

In case you were recently enjoying a delicious Sicilian pastry item but thinking, "how sad that this cannoli doesn't taste like eggnog...or birthday cake," then this is the spot for you. Cannolis in a whole bunch of different flavors, some borderline acceptable and others that are really reaching for it. This is not the spot to take an Italian foodie, unless you want to watch him/her have a rage blackout.

I don't know what it says about me that I was "over it," but like every freaking person who visited either wanted to talk at length about this sex show or drag me to it again. The only reason to shell out that much money is to say a big fuck-you to the new conservative government that's trying to shut this sort of entertainment down. There are comedy skits and like one act that's remotely sexy. The rest of the time you'll be skeeved out at how close your seat is to the pack of British businessmen/grey-haired grandmas and dare I say, just bored.

Pretty cool for Switzerland, but not cool in the world scheme of things. Find it by looking for the building with all the Spanish flags on the outside. Excellent wine menu, pretty tasty mains. Not expensive enough to complain but not good enough to not point out that they were a little expensive. Still, a worthwhile pick if you can stand being crammed in next to tons and tons of well-dressed Swiss people and internationals. The best kind of flirty waiters, if you are a single lady. If you are a single guy, this is some serious cougar hunting territory.

One of the first veggie-friendly spots in Zurich, this is where you go to find dreadlocked trustafarians sitting next to closet I-bankers. It's tasty, the wooden tables sort of feel like a hobbit hole, and the staff is totally cute. Be careful or you may think you are ordering breakfast and instead get a meat platter (they serve things for carnivores here, too). Coffee is good, and the local juice concoctions are even better. Plus, it's open late and a good spot to find out what other cool things are happening in Zurich. If you're here for more than a couple of hours, I promise you're going to hear the "Amelie" soundtrack, but it's more cute than anything else.

But I'm giving it four stars anyway! And it's possible that she didn't mean to, but I'm pretty sure she did. The top floor is all dorm-style rooms, but more like partitioned off spaces for two twin beds behind a blanket. I guess the affordable cost of renting a bed attracts more than just backpackers from time to time, because this girl danced in downtown. Anyway, I don't even care because she was really nice and everyone else was with their grandmothers on their annual Swiss vacation, but it was definitely the most exciting thing that happened in Zurich (that's saying a lot about Zurich, not me).

In the midst of the most residential part of Palermo Hollywood is this totally cute and cozy lunch/snack/brunch spot. I live sort of nearby and don't have the energy (i.e. am too hungover) to fight with the crowds for weekend brunch, but any day of the week is worthwhile for the delicious specials and regularly fabulous lunch. Like sitting in a cozy country home somewhere in France, rather than in the middle of some huge South American city.

It might not be the place that chic locals think to go first, but it's definitely somewhere that everyone finds themselves at some point during the course of a month. Excellent drinks, a space that is both classy and cute. Worth comparing to spots in Paris since, well, the owners are from there. Known for popular Tuesday nights, called French Night, where you'll find people starting their weekends (not kidding). Great DJs from around the city and beyond, as well as underground bands that people here love, and people at home haven't heard of yet.

Cutest, coziest corner cafe on a busy street not known for cafes. Exposed wooden beams, big wooden tables, and shelves and shelves of freshly baked bread. That actually tastes great, and is affordable, too. The centerpiece of the restaurant--besides the completely hot staff--is the pastry table. It's straight-up pornographic to watch the cranky and skinny Palermo milfs eying those cupcakes, cookies, and tarts.

The food, ambiance, and cute staff alone would warrant 5 starts, but I'm going above and beyond for the owner to end all owners. In the middle of the busiest clusterfuck of a brunch I've ever seen, he not only grabbed me and my date a table, but we managed to exchange small talk about his divorce and inspiration for opening Le Ble in the first place. They turn those tables in the most pleasant way possible.

One of the smaller galleries in town that focuses on up-and-coming artists, usually of the local variety. Planeta Cubico has great openings with DJs from around town and beyond, where a rowdy mix of well-dressed locals, expats, and occasional arty travelers hang out. Definitely worth stopping by to check out the latest installation, too, in daylight hours.

Are you sick of San Telmo? Get as far away as possible. Belgrano's on the other side of town, and offers a retreat from Palermo for tons of hip and well-dressed portenos. A couple of the city's big clubs are over here, but the real draw is the chance to walk down a street and avoid hearing English.

Want to see a classier version of Palermo MILFs and their coked-out boyfriends? Head to the suburbs. You can take BsAs city buses here and walk around, or even have ribs (which are upscale dining around these parts, since they're exotic). There's a really nice town center with a gothic style church and outdoor market. If you want the surreal experience of quaint suburban living in the middle of South America, spend an afternoon here.

I was surprised at my love for Barrio Chino, though it was cooler before the arch. Do you miss affordable sushi? Go to one of the grocery stores. Also a great place to get rice in bulk. More of a traveler than a resident? It's still definitely worth walking around, especially at night. Lotus and Todos Contentos are perhaps the best restaurants on the block.

Surely the first time I went here, at the age of 7 or 8 or whatever, I didn't notice the hordes of tourists because my eyes were fixed on the prize: the hugest fucking frozen chocolate beverage I'd ever seen. Regardless of your age, if you can chill about bridge and tunnel people and realize that most everyone is downtown chasing expensive cupcakes, this is a great place for ice cream related goods, at surprisingly okay prices.

For some reason, people from the Boston area are fucking obsessed with Kate's Joint. I can't figure it out, because other spots in the same neighborhood do cheap veggie/vegan food better, but it's not all bad. "Cute" and "cozy", there are usually some put-upon servers who look good. If you want fast food style stuff that's meat free, they've got you covered.

I'd never been to Kika except for local promoter Julio Fernandez's Creme de la Creme party. One huge back room and a decent-sized front room with VIP meant that it was possible to not lose your friends. The bands playing in the back were pretty great, and a couple of rad DJs played the front room. The crowd was pretty arty considering the caliber of the club, which is known to attract international models and the like. It was definitely moderately-bougie clubbing done right.

The Andy Warhol Museum has one of the most interesting collections of any artist, period. Whether or not you're into Andy Warhol, the Polaroids and television show footage alone document pretty much anything worth your attention in pop culture. Andy interviewing Divine in the 80s? Maybe the best moment on film ever. Seriously, the collection here is so incredible that a couple of years ago, one of the biggest museums in way-avant-garde Amsterdam begged them to borrow maybe 40% of all the stuff and showcased it over the course of two floors.

But it's more than just the most comprehensive look at what was happening in American art for 20 years through Andy Warhol and his band of fierce weirdos. There's always work from someone else, and the museum, like its namesake, is surprisingly forward-thinking and witty when it comes to other exhibitions or special events. Even if you aren't cool enough to "get" Warhol, you'll likely enjoy this museum.

If you're too snobby for 7/11, this is the place for you. It was once a White Hen, so the booth and convenience store layout are still very much in effect. But instead of stale donuts and slurpees, you can buy Ciao Bella gelato and produce that doesn't look like it fell off the back of a truck. If you're a foodie stoner or simply looking for a lone store in the damn city that's open past midnight, this place is for you. Also, there's free parking if you have a car, since the public transportation also stops running around midnight.

If you're looking for gritty, dirty, sorta sketchy ambiance while digging for great vintage clothes, it doesn't get much better than Galeria 5Ta. This semi-outdoor, moderately sketchy mall is the antithesis of pre-selected vintage clothes with jacked-up prices. This is seriously cheap, and deals abound. Can you fit three vintage Adidas tracksuits in your luggage to go home? Because you can buy them from a cranky man for something like $5 USD. Ladies who love second-hand shopping will clean up if they go here, seeing as there is everything from boots to coats from every imaginable decade. I saw some great designer stuff, too. Just give yourself enough time to give every shop a thorough scouring--which is what you'll also be doing with like 50% of your purchases once you have access to soap and water.

Well, it's not a church anymore, but SOMA (also known as Vieja Iglesia) was once a house of worship. Now it's the site of many a late-night party, with live DJs and spectacular lights/video stuff, too. This is the sort of underground space that you're expecting to see when you think you're headed to a really great party. My friends say it's been around since the 1980s in various incarnations, and the time I went, it didn't disappoint. You're not going to find listings for it in any mainstream press, but get to know locals, especially groups that throw huge semi-legal parties, and I guarantee you'll be setting foot here at least once.